Struggle
by scarlett-hued-shimako
Summary: Sei, in an intoxicated state, opens up to Shimako, and must deal with the consequences. But they're not all bad.


**Its been way too long, but school has FINALLY let up enough for me to write. So keep your eyes out for more things in the future. **

**I wrote this the other day when I should have been paying attention in my AP Stat class, but I don't think you guys mind ;)**

**If there's any mistakes (which I'm sure there are), blame it on my desire to get this out as quickly as possible for you guys. **

**Alas, Read and Review!**

**Struggle**

Shimako never wore make up to school, but this morning, she made an exception. It would be unseemly if the Rosa Gigantea en bouton arrived at school with raccoon eyes. If she did that suicidal mission, Shimako was sure she would have to spend her lunchtime avoiding Mami-san and her league of story-hungry reporters. But that wasn't what worried Shimako the most. If the Yamayurikai were to find out, only Maria-sama herself could save Shimako from that meddling.

But alas, there was no need to fret Shimako rationalized as she walked into her classroom. The make-up had allowed Shimako to escape the penetrating glaze of her Onee-sama earlier that morning. However, she was sure that the red rose accompanying Sei saw through the masquerade, and as Shimako took her seat in the middle of the classroom, ignoring the giggles and chatter of the girls littering the room, she wondered if Youko told Sei once they parted ways.

After the teacher announced the beginning on class and thus interrupting Shimako's thoughts, Shimako quickly decided that Youko would keep it to herself. It wasn't in her nature to outright gossip, but she would string Sei along with meager tidbits of information until Sei would figure out the puzzle.

Shimako sighed.

It was Sei's fault she was in this predicament.

Five days ago, around the middle of the night, Shimako laid awake petrified. There was rustling outside her room. A stray dog she thought with a mantra like quality, but when said dog bumped into her door and grumbled "shit," Shimako started having her doubts.

Panic engulfed her though, and after contemplating her best course of action, the intruder managed to open the door. Shimako sprang from her bed, and after a quick search, armed herself with an impromptu weapon in the form of an umbrella. Shimako hesitated briefly, allowing her Buddhist side to apologize for her impending violence, but once done, she attacked the dark figure, garnering a whiny "Shimako" in the process.

Once realizing it was her Onee-sama that she had just bopped in the head, Shimako quickly turned on the lights.

As the light filtered into the room, Shimako found Sei, face down, stretched across the floor.

Shimako blinked. Repeatedly.

"Too bright..." Sei groaned as she shielded her eyes. Gathering her bearings, Shimako crouched down next to her Onee-sama, and that's when she smelt it.

The alcohol.

"Have you been drinking?" Shimako asked scandalized. She knew that she shouldn't be naive. Under age drinking happened all the time, but she didn't expect it from a Lillian student, and even though Sei wasn't by any means a regular student,it still shocked her nonetheless.

"Just a little" Sei replied as she started counting with her fingers. When she got to eight, she put down her hands and laughed. "Okay, maybe a lot."

Shimako looked at her Onee-sama as if she were mad. She had never been in contact with a drunk person and wasn't a hundred percent sure if this was normal behavior. Nonetheless, she couldn't allow Sei to continue being an exotic floor rug.

"Onee-sama, you need to get up." Sei gently prodded.

With some struggling on her part. Sei did what she was told and found her back resting against the side of Shimako's bed and a pair of concerned eyes staring at her.

Getting caught by her Onee-sama's intense glaze, Shimako shifted her attention to the floor, finding the carpet's tresses more entertaining.

Outside, birds squawked in the night sky, and Sei groaned at the amplified noise.

Shimako, startled, went into hostess mode. "Can I get you anything?" Shimako asked, putting a hand on the older girl's forehead on the off chance she developed a fever.

Sei's bloodshot eyes looked at Shimako. "Just get me a glass of water and some aspirin."

Shimako nodded and left the comforts of her room to retrieve the contents. After four minutes or in Sei's dilapidated mind twenty seven Mississippi's, Shimako came back with Sei's requests in hand.

With a swiftness that betrayed her drunkenness, Sei grabbed the contents from Shimako, swallowed the pill, and drank more the half of the glass of water. She didn't break from the process because Sei couldn't handle looking into Shimako's eyes. She felt guilty whenever she saw the worry.

"I'm sorry Shimako. I shouldn't have come."

Shimako smiled if a little forced as she reached over and grabbed Sei's hand.

"It's alright Onee-sama."

Her words resonated in the room like the final cymbal crash in a march with silence following it.

Sei knew that Shimako wanted to know what was going on, but because of the nature of their relationship, she wouldn't ask, and Sei didn't want to alleviate that nagging curiosity. However, the distress Shimako was likely to feel caused the guilt in Sei's chest to expand.

Sei opened her mouth, but after some consideration, she closed it to Shimako's wonderment.

There must be a pretty big reason for her Onee-sama to show up unannounced in the middle of the night, drunk, and Shimako was terrified to find out what it was. And yet, she desperately wanted to know because no matter how horrible it was, if there was something she could do, she would do it. For Sei.

"I was lonely Shimako," Sei muttered as she looked away.

Shimako squeezed her hand, trying to hide the small smile that came with gaining Sei's trust.

Even though Sei wanted Shimako to say something, anything, she knew Shimako wouldn't. Shimako would wait until she was finished.

But Sei didn't want to finish. She had said too much. She needed to get out. Her eyes flickered outside of Shimako's bedroom window. She should leave. She was bothering Shimako. That's all she was to Shimako: a bother.

She tried to get up, but the gentle force on her hand kept her rooted.

"Onee-sama," Shimako coaxed, "you are in no condition to go any-"

"It was Shiori," Sei interrupted. "The reason I was drinking."

Shimako's mind stopped, and for a second, she thought it was broke, but realized that since she thought that her mind did indeed work. However, the shock was still palpable on her face.

"Shiori..." Shimako whispered. The name felt funny on her lips.

"Yes," Sei chuckled bitterly, seeming to have sobered up. She stared at Shimako. "You know about her right."

It was a statement.

Sei had never told her the story, but Shimako had been filled in by the two other Roses. Shiori was Sei's love. Perhaps even, her only love.

The thought hurt Shimako more than she cared to admit.

"Yes, I have." Shimako managed to say over the sudden lump in her throat. If Sei noticed it, she kept it to herself.

"Well," Sei raked a hand through her air, trying to get a few more seconds to organize her thoughts. "A few hours ago, I was looking through some old things, and I found it. Her letter."

Shimako squeezed Sei's hand.

"And I read it for a second time out of curiosity. It was like opening Pandora's Box."

Shimako nodded. "All the emotions came pushing back."

Sei smiled bitterly at her petite soeur's sharpness. "Yes, but in this case there was no hope waiting for me at the bottom."

Silence greeted them once again, bringing a plethora of thoughts to keep the two white roses entertained. Sei's concerned Shiori and Shimako's concerned Sei.

"Onee-sama..." Shimako coaxed, breaking their unwritten rule, but neither of them noticed nor cared. Sei needed to release all that pent up emotion before she exploded. What Sei would do in that case? Shimako didn't want to find out.

"She hurt me badly Shimako, and yet I can't blame her. There's all this anger and I have no idea where to direct it. I admit I used to blame God, but as I thought about it some more, I realized that it isn't anyone's fault. And even though I've come to realized this, it doesn't eliminate the pain."

Sei avoided Shimako's eyes and focused her attention on the wall in front of her. The whiteness of the wall was far more entertaining than facing her feelings.

Shimako remained silent, placing her head on Sei's shoulder to reassure the older girl she was there no matter what. Sei placed her head on top of Shimako's in return.

"But the pain has dulled for the most part, but reading that letter again with a new perspective gave me a better insight."

Shimako arched her eyebrow. "Like what?"

Sei contemplated her next choice of words very carefully, licking her lips, finding them suddenly dry.

"Shiori scarred me so badly that I was afraid to let anyone in."

"And what changed?"

"Youko's meddling played a big part," Sei steadied herself, closing her eyes trying to fight the voice her in head that was screaming at her to keep herself closed off. She opened her eyes, a small smile on her lips. "But it was you."

"Me?" Shimako pulled away, looking at her Onee-sama with surprised eyes. Hopefully, the butterflies in her stomach hadn't reached her eyes.

Sei chuckled, adoringly.

"Yes you. I never told you this, but when I first saw you under that cherry tree, something erupted in me. I wasn't sure what it was, but I wanted to know more about you that soon your image dominated my mind. Youko noticed this, and thinking I was too passive in the situation, tried to bring us together by inviting you to the Rose Mansion." Sei paused, garnering Shimako's reaction. It was unreadable.

Sei continued.

"I felt threatened, and that's why I was so rude to you, but you have to understand where I was coming from. I had feelings for you, and though I didn't know what it meant, I knew I was scared. I didn't want to get hurt."

Shimako kept the silly grin that wanted to crave itself on her face away. Sei had feelings for her...

"Eventually," Sei's voice cut through Shimako's giddy induced daze, "through your persistence, I was able to realize that while Shiori was an angel you were a human. Someone I could care for and be cared by. It was a nice feeling."

Shimako looked at Sei as the harsh florescent light brought a dim twinkle to Sei's grey eyes and smiled a bit ruefully.

"Human, huh?"

Sei nodded.

"And then I realized," Sei cupped Shimako's cheek. "I could desire you without feeling shame because you were human."

Sei leaned in, slowly at first, allowing Shimako to pull away if she wanted to or in the dramatic end of the spectrum slap her in the face and call her disgusting. But Shimako didn't pull away; she fluttered her eyelids closed

Sei silence drowned all the voices in her head and captured Shimako's lips.

Shimako wanted, needed to pull away, but the sensation was so soft, even the taste of alcohol couldn't disparage her. She would forever connect the taste to Sei.

A slight moan erupted in the room, and even though Shimako wasn't sure if it came from her or Sei, she was surprised she didn't pull away because she knew they were going too fast: Sei's hand had found it's way to Shimako's stomach and her own hand was tugging at Sei's hair. But she couldn't pull away. She would be lying to herself if she said she didn't want this.

Sei pulled away, out of breath, and rested her forehead against Shimako's.

"We shouldn't be doing this."

Shimako wrapped her arms lazily around Sei's neck, diminishing the last of the resistance that the alcohol couldn't eradicate.

"And why is that?"

"Because I'm a bad influence, and I'm under the influence. A pretty bad combination if I do say so myself."

Shimako giggled as she let go of Sei and stood up.

"We can deal with this in the morning. It's time to go to sleep."

"You're right." Sei agreed before a glint entered her eyes. "But I call the right side of the bed!"

Shimako shook her head. " You haven't called anything. You, my dear Onee-sama, will be sleeping on the floor." She then proceeded to grab a spare blanket and pillow from the closet and handed them to Sei.

"You're a cruel petite soeur." Sei whined as she situated herself on the floor as Shimako turned off the light, hoping everyone in the shrine was still asleep.

"And you are an insufferable Onee-sama." Shimako chuckled at Sei's 'humph' and settled herself in her bed, feeling the most at ease in weeks and dare she think it, happy.

"Goodnight Shimako." Sei mumbled, sleep already evident in her voice.

Shimako smiled, fingertips ghosting over her lips.

"Goodnight...Sei."

And with that goodnight hanging in the air, both girls fell asleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Five miserable days had passed since that night, and still Shimako hadn't heard anything concerning that night from her Onee-sama.

Shimako huffed, making the student to her right give her a quizzical look, and perhaps others but Shimako only noticed that one.

When Shimako had woken up the next day, she found her floor to be empty, making her wonder if it had all been some sort of dream.

But the smell of alcohol flitted through the air, and there was a letter on her night stand, addressed to one Shimako written by one Sei.

Not caring about the paper cut she was likely to get, Shimako teared open the letter with her fingers.

In it, Sei apologized for anything inappropriate that might have happened and to forget that it had ever happened.

Sei had been ignoring her ever since.

Shimako sighed and gathered the attention of the class. Blushing, she apologized and the teacher went right back to her lecture. What were they learning about right now? History? Shimako couldn't concentrate. She wanted so desperately to close her eyes, but when she did, her mind would filled with images of that night and try as she might, she couldn't shake them away.

She wondered if Sei truly regretted what happened that night or if she was pretending she didn't remember so that Shimako could save face because there was no way Sei had forgotten. Those knowing looks during Yamayurikai meetings said more than words ever could.

The bell rang, and for once, Shimako was thankful that she didn't have cleaning duty, but she did have a Yamayurikai meeting. One hour before the struggle to fall asleep could resume once again. Hopefully, Sei's image wouldn't win this time.

After gathering her books, Shimako started her sluggish trek to the Rose Mansion only to cross paths with the Rose Chinensis en bouton's petite soeur. Thankfully, as they walked, Yumi entertained herself by rambling about her upcoming date with Sachiko, not commenting on Shimako's reticence. Or perhaps Yumi thought Shimako was always that silent.

When they entered the meeting room, Shimako offered to make the tea, too tired to chit-chat with her fellow student council members.

As she began filling the cups with tea leaves, she felt _her_.

"You haven't been sleeping well, have you?" Sei asked, low enough to not be heard but loud enough to not make them look suspicious.

Shimako didn't want to turn around. She didn't want to see Sei. She didn't want to feel all these emotions for her Onee-sama.

"No, I haven't." Shimako replied curtly as she resumed her task. Sei didn't like seeing her petite soeur so cold, but she had it coming she admitted.

Sei tried to touch Shimako's arms, but in a rare spout of defiance, Shimako rebuttal Sei's advance with the flicker of her arm.

Sei allowed the pain enter her eyes briefly, knowing Shimako wouldn't see it.

She raked a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry Shimako. About that night-"

"Let's talk about it later. When we're alone..." Shimako wavered. She could feel all their eyes on them, and she didn't like it one bit.

Sei nodded, catching Shimako's train of thought, before glaring at the noisy roses. They went back to their tasks except for Youko and Eriko who shared a secret smile. Sei hated that they knew her too well.

Sei turned back to Shimako.

"After today's meeting?" She asked.

"Yes."

Sei returned to her seat next to Youko, acting weirdly silent so the others thought. The meeting started without a hitch, and as the conversation continued to drag on, Shimako found it harder and harder to stay awake. But she was able to pull it off and interjected her opinions when needed.

Sei watched her petite soeur as she used the last of her strength to stay awake, and she felt guilty. But it was what needed to be done. She shouldn't have gone to Shimako's that night or gotten drunk for that matter. And she definitely shouldn't have kissed her. It was the stupidest thing that she could have done.

The meeting adjourned when Youko proclaimed that she had enough of Yamayurikai work for the day. The others started gathering their books, but the white roses stayed rooted, promising the others that they would clean. The others let them be, throwing concerned glances as they left. Except for Youko and Eriko who shared a knowing look.

Silence visited them once again.

"I haven't been able to sleep either." Sei admitted, breaking the silence. Shimako figured; she could see the make up under Sei's eyes.

"How unfortunate for the both of us." Shimako stated, sipping the last of her cold tea.

Silence.

"It was a mistake Shimako."

Shimako felt the words stab her chest. She didn't believe that Sei meant it, but it hurt nonetheless.

"Sei," Shimako braced herself before turning serious eyes to the older girl. "If you want to pretend that it didn't happen then it didn't happen. But I am going to tell you that I care for you more than what the soeur bond calls for. It's not love, but I have feelings for you. You might have kissed me the other night because you felt lonely and if that's the case, I can forgive you and move on. However, when deciding your next choice of words, think about what you want."

"You're too stubborn," Sei noted. " I didn't kiss you because I was lonely. To tell you the truth, I've always wondered how it would feel like to kiss you, and I'm not saying that I did it out of curiosity." Sei paused. "I did it because I wanted you."

"I want you to..." Shimako trailed off.

Sei shook her head furiously.

"You don't understand Shimako. We can't be together."

The finality was felt in the air, but Shimako wasn't going to take it sitting down.

"And why not?"

"Because I don't want to be together." Sei had to force it out of her mouth because the words needed to be said even though Sei herself didn't believe them herself.

Shimako sat still, not making a move.

"So, what was the kiss then?And don't you dare lie to me again Satou Sei." Shimako quietly demanded, eyes focused on her hands that were gripping her uniform skirt.

"Dammit Shimako. I enjoyed the kiss. I really did, but a kiss cannot make a relationship work We're too similar."

Too similar? But doesn't that allow for greater understanding? And Shimako knew that Sei desperately wanted to be understood.

Shimako stared in disbelief. "But isn't there a benefit to being the same?"

Sei nodded. "There is, but it wouldn't work for us."

"How do you know if you're not willing to try?" Shimako retorted, an icy glint forming in her eyes.

Sei raked a hand through her hair, gritting her teeth.

"Look, Shimako. Perhaps you're ready for this kind of relationship, but I'm not!" Sei shouted.

And then it clicked, and like most things concerning Sei, it all went back to Shiori.

"You're scared, aren't you? Because of Shiori."

The question hung in the air as Sei turned angry, tired eyes at the younger girl.

"Yes, it's because of Shiori." Sei admitted.

"You might have been fine to care for someone, but you're still too scared to care for someone in that way again."

Sei glared at her petite soeur, hating the feeling of being so transparent. If Sei were to think further on the subject, she would find that she wasn't transparent. Shimako understood her.

"Look Shimako. I just-"

"I won't Sei. Not the way she did." Shimako promised as she grasped Sei's hand. Sei stared at their hands, wondering why she liked the warmth so much. Well, she knew why. She just wished the feeling would go away. It would make both their lives a lot easier.

"Shimako, perhaps sometime in the future. I just don't think I can handle it right now."

"I understand, but Sei, would it really matter ten years down the road? The pain will still be there unless you're willing to move on."

Besides Sei and maybe Shimako's parents, there was no one else who understood the iron will that was instilled in Shimako. When Shimako wanted something, she would get it. Perhaps she wouldn't go about it in the most direct way like Sachiko, but Shimako had her ways. And Sei use to find the quality admiring in the docile girl, but now it was anything but.

"Shimako..." Sei warned.

Shimako meet Sei's eyes in a challenge."You told me I was human and isn't it that what you are? Perhaps that's the one sameness we need to make a relationship work. You won't be corrupting me like you did her."

"Shimako, we just can't-"

"And why not? I like you. You like me. We trust each other. We enjoy each other's company. Why the hell not? "

Shimako didn't back down from her penetrating glaze, but Sei noted the color rushing to the younger girl's cheek for having used such profanity.

Sei stared at her petite soeur for a very long time.

And why the hell should they not at least try? Shimako was a beautiful, sweet, and caring girl, who when provoked would be ironed willed and on rare occasions with Sei, carefree. And this girl was crazy enough to try to work with her on all her problems, scars in order to be with her. Who in the hell in their right mind would give that up?

Shimako was human. Sei was human. It was as simple as that.

Sei smiled."You cursed."

"Yes I did" Shimako blushed. "But I only did it because you are being to pig-headed and- " And before Shimako could finished, Sei leaned across the table and planted her lips on Shimako's.

After a moment of surprise, Shimako moved her lips along with Sei's, making the older girl grin into the kiss, ignoring the voice in her head telling her she was making a mistake. As far as Sei was concerned that voice could go fuck itself.

Shimako pulled away to Sei's disappointment. Hope was in her eyes.

"So, what do you say?"

Sei grinned in return.

"There's no harm in trying."

Shimako smiled before reaching across and giving Sei another kiss, and when she went home that night, she didn't spend the better part of the night worrying about her relationship with Sei. She didn't chastise herself for being too forward or being too passive. And she didn't conjure bittersweet fantasies where Sei and her were together only to face the horrid reality that the distance between them wouldn't allow for such closeness.

No, Shimako spent that night sleeping, feeling completely at ease with the world, with Sei, with herself.

There would be no need for makeup in the morning.

FIN

**Reviews are more than welcomed! Review and I'll give you an organ of your choice :) **


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